The past few months I've always found myself confronting the same issues and complaints regarding the loneliness of the spiritual seeker. Be one a teacher, a service-person, or student, there seems to be a pervasive, unfortunate, and may I say, ironic, disconnect in the communications between individuals and communities on the path. So I always try to do the "enlightened" thing and figure out "well what is going on that makes this such a thing" in so many peoples' experience.
Fear Trends and Self Protection
It's only natural to shelter oneself when overcoming a sensitive and difficult time. It is wise even, to cloister away when one is in need of healing and maintenance. There is no question in that. However, there is perhaps a need to address the unfortunate truth that these periods can last far too long and only serve to pro-port the illusion of separation by enacting it in the every day.
Many modern spiritual teachings argue the heavier and more restrictive the boundaries, the better. Don't talk to people who don't speak your language. Stay away from anyone who might make you feel challenged or tested. Anybody who is anybody worth keeping will say and do everything as you do (therefor truly positive connections have no lessons or education in them?). This expectation, nay, edict of new societal and relationship conditioning is actually nothing more than a pallet swap of our old conditioning. It's not as though churches, governments, and tradition hadn't tried this kind of thing before, right? Many folk wouldn't be on this path if they hadn't seen the failings in those teachings anyway.
So I ask why are we doing it again? Well I think whether one is new to the path or not is irrelevant. One might argue a great deal of teachings from those who have only recently begun their work (recently being 10 years or less) may still be operating from cultural or media conditioning. However there are plenty of "long term" folks on the list as well (10 years or more). So obviously this is not a discussion reserved for the folks who have just arrived. Absolutely not.
One might assert that many of the 21st century spiritual conditions are rooted in attempts to adapt or perhaps accommodate fear based philosophy and survival programs. That accommodation has and is still evolving, however, to fertilize the perpetual self talk of "protect yourself" and "you are not safe" and "trust no one".
Does anybody actually know what codependency really is?
Does a twenty two year old have any business giving advice on how to have a lasting marriage or raise a child?
Why with all the effort to shift away from a corrupt and broken matrix are people still trying to win at a losing game clawing at the sale on twin flames and lottery tickets?
Listening to fear, catering to fear, it's still a marketplace. If one isn't being sold "abundance" as a prescription for winning the grid game, they are being sold on how lonely and isolated they are, and that the only way to stop feeling that way is to isolate themselves further. So more loneliness, more desperation, and more self protection compound until it's just the same computer with an updated graphics card. In fact, it might be even worse than that. Closeness is a commodity even in the spiritual community. I know I'm using many generalities, but if you look and see, many folks are competing with a sense of scarcity. Only now, they are competing for that precious energy in addition to material resources. We are no longer on a journey with each other, but next to each other.
I can't tell you how many truly gifted spiritual folk, both new and experienced, who have the same complaint about not feeling the love in community. Repressed and suppressed, we pull apart for fear of that taboo topic of investment in another human being. Protect yourself and do you they say!
I recall a quote from Sinead o'connor in an old interview with Ruby Wax about mental illness and social stigma in general (I like to play interviews while I'm cleaning house. Yes, spring cleaning comes in January for me):
"I believe we were all put here on Earth to keep each other company... We are a lonely people... frankly, I'm sorry we live in single family houses."
"So true!" I thought. This age of isolation has been gestating for decades, so don't think I'm going to go on a rant about digital communications, cell phones, and social media (I don't think something THAT obvious needs too much mention). We can all agree it takes a village. However we must also acknowledge we have been slowly but diligently destroying that village since the 1980s. Understand as well, if you please, that this is not about the "family unit", divorce, or anything of the sort, there is more to a village than any marriage or nuclear family.
Many modern spiritual teachings argue the heavier and more restrictive the boundaries, the better. Don't talk to people who don't speak your language. Stay away from anyone who might make you feel challenged or tested. Anybody who is anybody worth keeping will say and do everything as you do (therefor truly positive connections have no lessons or education in them?). This expectation, nay, edict of new societal and relationship conditioning is actually nothing more than a pallet swap of our old conditioning. It's not as though churches, governments, and tradition hadn't tried this kind of thing before, right? Many folk wouldn't be on this path if they hadn't seen the failings in those teachings anyway.
So I ask why are we doing it again? Well I think whether one is new to the path or not is irrelevant. One might argue a great deal of teachings from those who have only recently begun their work (recently being 10 years or less) may still be operating from cultural or media conditioning. However there are plenty of "long term" folks on the list as well (10 years or more). So obviously this is not a discussion reserved for the folks who have just arrived. Absolutely not.
One might assert that many of the 21st century spiritual conditions are rooted in attempts to adapt or perhaps accommodate fear based philosophy and survival programs. That accommodation has and is still evolving, however, to fertilize the perpetual self talk of "protect yourself" and "you are not safe" and "trust no one".
Does anybody actually know what codependency really is?
Does a twenty two year old have any business giving advice on how to have a lasting marriage or raise a child?
Why with all the effort to shift away from a corrupt and broken matrix are people still trying to win at a losing game clawing at the sale on twin flames and lottery tickets?
Listening to fear, catering to fear, it's still a marketplace. If one isn't being sold "abundance" as a prescription for winning the grid game, they are being sold on how lonely and isolated they are, and that the only way to stop feeling that way is to isolate themselves further. So more loneliness, more desperation, and more self protection compound until it's just the same computer with an updated graphics card. In fact, it might be even worse than that. Closeness is a commodity even in the spiritual community. I know I'm using many generalities, but if you look and see, many folks are competing with a sense of scarcity. Only now, they are competing for that precious energy in addition to material resources. We are no longer on a journey with each other, but next to each other.
I can't tell you how many truly gifted spiritual folk, both new and experienced, who have the same complaint about not feeling the love in community. Repressed and suppressed, we pull apart for fear of that taboo topic of investment in another human being. Protect yourself and do you they say!
I recall a quote from Sinead o'connor in an old interview with Ruby Wax about mental illness and social stigma in general (I like to play interviews while I'm cleaning house. Yes, spring cleaning comes in January for me):
"I believe we were all put here on Earth to keep each other company... We are a lonely people... frankly, I'm sorry we live in single family houses."
"So true!" I thought. This age of isolation has been gestating for decades, so don't think I'm going to go on a rant about digital communications, cell phones, and social media (I don't think something THAT obvious needs too much mention). We can all agree it takes a village. However we must also acknowledge we have been slowly but diligently destroying that village since the 1980s. Understand as well, if you please, that this is not about the "family unit", divorce, or anything of the sort, there is more to a village than any marriage or nuclear family.
The Need for Authentic, Honest Care & Input in Everyday Communication has Become Critical
Do you like it? I don't. I think it's funny yet not at the same time. I was actually having "angry giggles" of frustration as I made this image because it is so sad yet so true. Who hasn't spent time wishing they could be closer to people and share in some real dialogue only to be hit with a copy & paste job of somebody else's repeating inner monologue.
So many modern spiritual teachers, authors, "visionaries" (ugh), and coaches are also operating from this space of "protect yourself, conserve your energy, and avoid this and that". For those in any place of recovery and vulnerability, this can be very necessary. That I will attest. But keeping an individual in that place, nay, keeping a community in that place of always healing yet never healed, is actually a symptom of conditioning begetting more conditioning. Some predators may desire it of you just as any pharmaceutical corporation would want you to keep taking the pills. In both cases, ask yourself, is this new Prozac really the way? It's almost as though there is yet another market hoping to make a living off of the unwell staying so. Why would anyone get hooked on it? Because it works for a little while, but not for all time.
So many modern spiritual teachers, authors, "visionaries" (ugh), and coaches are also operating from this space of "protect yourself, conserve your energy, and avoid this and that". For those in any place of recovery and vulnerability, this can be very necessary. That I will attest. But keeping an individual in that place, nay, keeping a community in that place of always healing yet never healed, is actually a symptom of conditioning begetting more conditioning. Some predators may desire it of you just as any pharmaceutical corporation would want you to keep taking the pills. In both cases, ask yourself, is this new Prozac really the way? It's almost as though there is yet another market hoping to make a living off of the unwell staying so. Why would anyone get hooked on it? Because it works for a little while, but not for all time.
Trendy Lies : Closeness = Codependency
Let's talk about the fear of being seen as codependent and what codependency is and is not. The reason I think this needs to be discussed because so many individuals fear closeness and social intimacy because they are in deep fear of repeating the past. People risk getting hurt when they get close to anybody. This is not just about love and romantic relationships, it happens in family and platonic relationships as well. It may be tempting to assume age, gender, status, and orientation are a factor in these situations, but they are not. The scars and scares can be found anywhere and everywhere if one pays attention outside their personal statistic (see we're already breaking the rules).
What Co-dependency is:
Attitudes or actions that may actually DEPEND on a partner, friend, adult child, or parent to somehow depend on the co-dependent individual. Co-dependent individuals often need to feel like they are the line of defense between the other in their lives and disaster.
Example: An individual feels threatened when their partner/child/friend no longer needs them for running errands because they are taking steps to accomplish these tasks on their own.
Being a conscious enabler of toxic behavior in a partner, friend, child, or parent in the attempt to maintain the attachment/relationship and to feel loved, secure, and useful.
Example: A man provides alcohol for his alcoholic brother because it will earn him appreciation, attention, and loyalty from him.
Fear of health, recovery, or advancement in the other for fear of being "left behind".
Example: An insecure and codependent young woman may fear losing her boyfriend because he is trying to expand his education and further his career when she has become accustomed to being "more educated" .
Possessiveness of another individual's time or attention for fear of loss due to previous experience with abandonment and betrayal.
What Co-dependency is not:
Seeking comfort and affection when one is feeling frightened, hurt, or anxious.
Example: A woman calls her friend because she found out her job may be compromised due to a recent buyout by another corporation. She wants to talk it out and brainstorm with her friend and constructively plan her next steps in the worst case scenario.
Giving time, empathy, and energy to a friend/partner/child who is having a hard time.
Example: A young man reschedules his dinner meeting to comfort his friend who just found out his father has a terminal illness.
Making a sacrifice, compromise, or contribution to a friend/partner/child who is in need:
Example: A couple agrees to delay their holiday vacation to help their neighbor repair their home after a weather disaster.
Spending time, energy, and effort considering an individual who is not present:
Example: A girl takes time on her lunch break to help her friend shop around for a new home after learning her friend needs to move in a hurry.
This is not pop-psychology, this is psychology. Considering these things, couldn't one attest that any person enabling the fear of closeness as actually acting as a mass co-dependent? The illusion of separation is fortified in its strength and intensity by encouraging more isolation and more scarcity philosophy. Who has time to give any care when there's so much self care to be done? And how much is ever enough? Perhaps the new industry is ensuring the attention and investment of the individual's willingness to stay alone, withdrawn, and withholding.
What Co-dependency is:
Attitudes or actions that may actually DEPEND on a partner, friend, adult child, or parent to somehow depend on the co-dependent individual. Co-dependent individuals often need to feel like they are the line of defense between the other in their lives and disaster.
Example: An individual feels threatened when their partner/child/friend no longer needs them for running errands because they are taking steps to accomplish these tasks on their own.
Being a conscious enabler of toxic behavior in a partner, friend, child, or parent in the attempt to maintain the attachment/relationship and to feel loved, secure, and useful.
Example: A man provides alcohol for his alcoholic brother because it will earn him appreciation, attention, and loyalty from him.
Fear of health, recovery, or advancement in the other for fear of being "left behind".
Example: An insecure and codependent young woman may fear losing her boyfriend because he is trying to expand his education and further his career when she has become accustomed to being "more educated" .
Possessiveness of another individual's time or attention for fear of loss due to previous experience with abandonment and betrayal.
What Co-dependency is not:
Seeking comfort and affection when one is feeling frightened, hurt, or anxious.
Example: A woman calls her friend because she found out her job may be compromised due to a recent buyout by another corporation. She wants to talk it out and brainstorm with her friend and constructively plan her next steps in the worst case scenario.
Giving time, empathy, and energy to a friend/partner/child who is having a hard time.
Example: A young man reschedules his dinner meeting to comfort his friend who just found out his father has a terminal illness.
Making a sacrifice, compromise, or contribution to a friend/partner/child who is in need:
Example: A couple agrees to delay their holiday vacation to help their neighbor repair their home after a weather disaster.
Spending time, energy, and effort considering an individual who is not present:
Example: A girl takes time on her lunch break to help her friend shop around for a new home after learning her friend needs to move in a hurry.
This is not pop-psychology, this is psychology. Considering these things, couldn't one attest that any person enabling the fear of closeness as actually acting as a mass co-dependent? The illusion of separation is fortified in its strength and intensity by encouraging more isolation and more scarcity philosophy. Who has time to give any care when there's so much self care to be done? And how much is ever enough? Perhaps the new industry is ensuring the attention and investment of the individual's willingness to stay alone, withdrawn, and withholding.
Treat Yourself to Raw, Organic Conversations & Relationships Please!
One should not tolerate artificial ingredients, preservatives, and other "protective" poisons in their food, why should they accept it in their relationships? Spirit implores us to find connected-ness at this time and get back to our natural communal and togetherness state of being. Illusions need energy to maintain themselves. Any school of mysticism will tell you that. So stop feeding the need for that illusion and ditch the contrived notion of societal conditioning and separation. Tell your loved ones how you feel about them. Tell someone you love them ESPECIALLY when it makes you feel uncomfortable to do so. Love is the only truth. Hide not behind doctored quotations and correspondence, give your own honest and thought out feelings from the heart. Ditch the transactional nature of the norms rooted in alliances of convenience. The time for closeness is now and the need has only grown as the years go by.
The notion of loneliness and separation only exists because we allow it to. Take some courage and attempt oneness outside of the safety of a cloistered bubble, ethernet cable, and bloated boundaries. How's that for self care? I love you all, and what I would love nothing more is to see you all openly and honestly love each other in action.
Blessings
~Nico
(Scarlet Moon)
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