How Text Communication Can Hurt Relationships

As text communication has evolved through social media, becoming more and more mainstream, we as people have changed the way we speak through text. Back in the early days of email and instant messaging we worked more tirelessly to write the way we communicated through the spoken word. Our communications were written much more like the written letter to be received and interpreted in the way one would hear, not read. As text becomes a more custom and expected form of communication, our speech has become much more about the convenience of abbreviation and absence of tone in our statements. We write to be read, not heard. This is contrary to the very nature of the way we socialize as a species. Try as we may we may never move beyond tone. Tone itself in writing is not difficult to maintain or convey through the written word. Really, it isn’t. At least it’s not difficult if a person chooses to write for the ear instead of the eye.

Attention Span to Blame?

    This isn’t about whether or not a person can read a 5000 word blog (no this won’t be a 5000 word blog) or sit through a fifty minute Youtube video, this is about whether or not we have the attention span to really sit and consider the information we are receiving and the information we are giving. It’s no secret I find it tragic we have terms such as “active listening” in our lexicon. All listening should be active listening. However it is so much easier to multi-task our receptivity and rehearsal in text. Many problems come from not being able to listen when a person speaks, even more when a person is incapable of processing information while it is being read. 
    Why and how does this happen? Well maybe we are thinking too much about our reply. Reading that text from our lover or our co-worker, a frustrating one at that, can bring a distracting desire to script the perfect response, taking one out of the receptive and most apt head-space to accurately interpret the message. On the other end, a person might not have the experience or practice to write a socially generous message. one that adequately conveys tone and intention with no room for misinterpretation or vagueness. This is so vital to understand because this is the very reason for capricious conversations in text. Such things require much more finesse than one might think. No matter how much one may have just wanted to see their partner pass a test or go the extra mile in many cases. Sometimes it’s not intentional as per that example. Sometimes folks are genuinely unaware of how or what they are feeling in the moment. It’s not ambivolance, it’s truly a case of an individual not being able to identify the emotion they are feeling as they are writing down their thoughts. This becomes a game of outward processing, as in, the inner business is now being hurled at the listener via text while the author sorts themselves and the real conversation can resume. Better to write out more and process less in important dialogues. Of course not to this degree. This is an article, not a dialogue. But I think you know what I mean. Strain for that extra 15 - 20 words in the moment and save time and emotional energy in the long run.

Too Many Imperatives & Declaratives

Structurally speaking, we have chosen brevity as an online culture and that often means release of tone and emotionalize in the workings we do. Unfortunately, the release or absence of tone is still tone in and of itself. It all occurs with two common and overly used sentence types : imperative & declarative. These types are the most commonly found online and in text communications because they are quick, efficient, and to the point.

Imperative: “Call me.”
Declarative: “I am waiting.”
Imperative: “You need to do [this].”
Declarative: “You did not do [this].”

Sound impolite? Well yes it is impolite. Spoken aloud these examples sound commanding, incisive, and rude to the point of perhaps being socially awkward. But this is commonplace communication. The issue that occurs here is a competitive communication. Both declarative and imperative statements make a point (as per their nature) to seize attention and focus to the speaker. If handled improperly this can bring a tone of aloofness, selfishness, and even aggression. This is not how we speak to each other in the spoken word.

"I'm just being direct." 
One might make the argument that this is just a matter of being direct vs. indirect. However directness isn’t in question. One can be direct without speaking in such simplistic and unintentionally hostile-sounding tones. What happens with overuse of short imperative and declarative speech is the loss of emotional nuance that cues the receiver to comprehend the message being conveyed.  Directness is not what is in question. 

It’s a fact. The world has changed and many conversations with friends, family, and lovers are now happening through the written word as much as the spoken. However, there is an obvious correlation between misunderstandings and misinterpretation and this new norm. Is conversing through text bad? No, actually it’s not. People have always communicated through the written word.
Even as recent as the early 2000s it’s been noted by several sociologists that the "primitive" days of AOL instant messenger and the like were saturated with much more comprehensible emotional currency. We have elected to forego that currency exchange as we have made some poor choice habits in our delivery. Too many imperatives and declaratives in any discussion create a competitive atmosphere and no proper sharing of time , space, and energy in that communication. It’s not worth saving that extra 15 seconds by avoiding 30 more words if at the end of the day it’s going to take 2 hours to untangle an avoidable miscommunication. I hope you all find this information helpful, it may prove useful one day if you ever have to explain to someone close why they might not be so easily understood or rather, most easily misunderstood, in their text, comment, or email.